As Newsarama's always wonderful blog points out, when Batman #676 arrives next Wednesday—the first issue of the "Batman R.I.P." storyarc—he's getting a new Batmobile, seen above. It looks reasonably slick, I think. But it's suddenly dawned on me—why the hell does Batman have little Bat-symbols on his rims?
I can't imagine the Bat-rims are part of his intimidating criminals and so forth, because frankly, they're ridiculous. All custom rims are ridiculous. No decent criminal would think a man driving a car with custom rims should be feared; they'd think he's a douchebag. If I saw a car whose rims all said "Steve" on them, I'd assume a guy named Steve drove the car, and that Steve was a huge dick.
So is Batman feeling his age? Is he trying to get down with the kids? Is this Robin's fault? Was he minutes away from putting neon underneath the car, and decided on the rims instead? Or was he afraid someone might not recognize the all-black, no-door supercar being driving by a man dressed as a bat as Batman's, and thus put his little bats on the rims so we'd all say, "Hey, nice ride! I wonder's car that is--oh, never mind"?
Frankly, I don't know the answer. But I do know, based on the above picture, Batman spent extra time making those Bat-symbols stay perfectly level, as opposed to rotating with the rims. Which is probably time he should have spent stopping crime, or something.
1989—Nintendo releases Kid Icarus, which is awesome.
1990-2007—Nothing.
2008, Yesterday—IGN's Matt Casamassina says he's "really looking forward to Kid Icarus Wii" on an IGN podcast.
So it's one of two things: 1) Casamassina knows the game is coming out and accidentally forgot it hadn't been announced yet, or 2) like every other gamer on the planet, Casamassina assumes Kid Icarus is coming out for the Wii, because Pit was in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and why the hell would he be included if he wasn't going to appear in a new game, and also Kid Icarus would be perfect for the Wii with all of its arrow firing, and mostly because we all want it so bad.
I'm not sure which is the truth, but I've decided to post this story assuming it is happening, so if it isn't, maybe Nintendo feels stupid and decides to make it anyway. I'm not sure why I'm so excited, actually; although I loved the game as a kid, I downloaded it on the Virtual Console and I could not suck more at it.
If Sagat's impossibly toned butt doesn't strike your fancy, I'm today's Fan Fiction will. It's an epic tale of Buffy, that indomitable vampire slayer, and her cute-as-a-button sister Dawn, and more specifically, about Buffy prostituting Dawn against her will. I'm not going to lie; this story is a pretty challenging read, but that's because author TinkerBell is such an artist. Honestly, I feel "TeenHook" is more of a tone poem than a short story, per se. For instance, it's made up entirely of stanzas like this:
Buffy watched Dawn as she laid on her bed reading. “ that position just make her boobs look bigger, I wanna suck them” she thought when she heard the bell.
- Yes? – she asked as she answered
- I’m here for the teen puss? – a man answered
- Oh yes! Race?
- Stromin
- Not familiar with your kind – the man smirked
- I feed on the juices……. – Buffy made a pleased squeal
- What do you intend on doing?
- Just suck her
- $200 – he handed her the money and Buffy just told him to wait.
That's the second stanza of the six that make up "TeenHook" (I'm sorry to not show you the first stanza, which includes this line from Buffy: "Here is the deal, I have a teen puss home. I want to make some money. Spread the word!"). The lack of quotations, the refusal to indentify speakers...I think TinkerBell wants we readers to see ourselves not only in the teen puss-seeking stranger, but Dawn as well. We are violators and being violated. Why TinkerBell uses "puss" instead of the more traditional "pussy" I have no idea.
To make a short story shorter, the stranger recommends making Dawn's breasts bigger, which strikes Buffy as a grand notion. But after a boob-enhancing spell, there's a twist in Buffy pimp plan when the phone rings!
- Hello, I’m calling about the teen puss? – a man’s voice said – I would like to know if there is any chance she may be for sale?
- If I were to sell it would cost a lot of money, and she hasn’t finished her training yet… - Buffy answered
- I’ll take her anyway
- She’ll be ready to go in 2 hours…
That Buffy is one savvy negotiator, a fact I never truly picked up in the TV series. Alas, all good things must come to an end, and "TeenHook" ends with both whimsy and melancholy.
Dawn watched as Buffy made her bags putting only trashy clothes and no underwear, keeping all the good stuff for herself.
- Buffy, please let me take some better clothes – she begged
- You won’t be needing them
- At least some underwear…
- No! – Buffy approached smiling evilly – I want the buyer to see what a slut you are ....
You guys are welcome to read the whole thing here, and I invite all you English grads to debate the metaphor of the underwear in the comments.
SOTA sent me some pictures of its new Sagat Street Fighter II statue, it's 12-inches tall and $120 and due in September and god help me, I can't stop STARING AT HIS MAGNIFICENT ASS
Since the Halo movie has long since had a sticky bomb attached to its head, and now lies lifeless and skull-less on the floor of Hollywood (metaphorically speaking), it's time to move on and pin all our hopes on a new videogame movie—Bioshock. Pirates of the Caribbean director Gore Verbinksi has announced he'll be making the artsy-farsty first-person shooter into a movie, and Variety says the deal was structured to make sure the movie happens (unlike Halo).
"Bioshock" takes place in an underwater city based on the free market principles of Ayn Rand, but things have gone disastrously wrong. Players control a pilot who crash-lands at a secret entrance to the city, called Rapture, and is drawn into a power struggle during which he discovers that his will is not as free as he'd thought.
"I think the whole utopia-gone-wrong story that's cleverly unveiled to players is just brimming with cinematic potential," said Verbinski. "Of all the games I've played, this is one that I felt has a really strong narrative."
...
Verbinski noted that Rapture's art deco design and visually arresting characters, such as the mechanical Big Daddys who protect genetically mutated girls called Little Sisters, particularly inspired him to see the game as a film.
That's a video of the Bioshock game above, if you're interested; I do wonder if Hollywood would allows a movie where the protagonist has to repeatedly shoot little girls (evil ones, but still).
Although it pains me to recall it, there was a time when I thought Heroes was better than Lost. That was in the beginning of Heroes' first season, when some big revelation or twist happened every episode and Lost's third, when nothing was happening at all. Of course, Lost immediately stepped up its game and Heroes has sucked immensely since the first season finale. Point is, I kind of hate Heroes now for starting so good and then sucking so bad, as I feel I've been tricked.
But when Heroes' third season starts this fall, there will be a new member of the cast. Namely, Tron—Bruce motherfucking Boxleitner himself. And some chick named Brea Grant from the always-almost-doomed Friday Night Lights will show up as a Flash/Quicksilver-fast-person-type. TV Guide's Ausiello says that despite these additions to the cast, the show will focus of the original Heroes, to avoid the insane waste of time that were the Mexican brother and sister (who made Nikki and Paulo look brilliant, by the way). I'm not opposed to adding more people to the Heroes' cast, because most of the original Heroes are incredibly dull. Just as long as they do something besides take a road trip with Sylar and use their powers in a way with absolutely no consequence for 10 episodes in row and then die, making their dull adventure even more worthless.
Seeing as everyone expects Speed Racer to be a box office disaster and the movie is getting terrible reviews, the power that be have allowed Yahoo to show the first seven minutes of the movie in hopes of getting people interested in seeing the other 17/18ths. I think it looks pretty good, myself, but then I also enjoy shooting LSD directly into my retinas, and this seems like an equivalent experience.
No job is perfect. But if you're on the pit crew of the fabulous Speed Racer racing team, helping him, uh...race...in his...races...you'd think things might not be too terrible. Not so, as Topless Robot has obtained a copy of an employee complaint form from earlier this year. Looks like there are plenty of demons off the wheels as well as on them.
I'd seen this a few days ago, but I couldn't find an embeddable version of it. I didn't look very hard. I'm intensely lazy. But now that an embeddable version has been handed to me, I'm delighted to put it up and let you guys watch Iron Man and Batman try to find some middle ground, apart from being billionaire playboys who fight crime and all. I'd like to point out that I'm confused why the fans making the video are using the smaller scale Attactix figures (and whatever DC's faux Attactix line is called, I forget; or is that the Batman Microman?) instead of the larger Marvel Legends and DC Universe Classics figures. Did they not have the budget?
Dark Horse's MySpace thingie has a two-page Milk & Cheese comic from Evan Dorkin, where the two take on (cue trumpet fanfare) Furries. I was going to post that they seem like an easy target, even for two hyper-violent dairy products, but then I remembered I write a weekly post called Fan Fiction Fridays, which is like shooting highly perverted fish in a depressingly large barrel. Milk has the best line: "We'd hit Mom." Read it here. (Via Newsarama)
